Susi Qs – Week 40 – Mark Billingham

Today’s very special guest requires no introduction, but just in case you don’t recognise him… it’s… Mr Mark Billingham! Mark’s series of novels featuring DI Tom Thorne has twice won him the Crime Novel of the Year Award and he received the award for Outstanding Contribution To Crime Fiction at the Harrogate Crime Writing Festival. When he is not living out rock-star fantasies as a member of the Fun Lovin’ Crime Writers, he is hard at what is laughably called ‘work’, writing his next novel.

Welcome, Sir! So, tell us…

When was the last time you were arrested?

The sad and deeply uninteresting truth is that I have never been arrested. This could mean that I have lived a blameless life because I am a thoroughly decent person or alternatively that I’m too much of a coward to risk doing anything that might get me into any trouble. An alternative explanation – and the one I urge everyone to go with here – is that I am simply far too brilliant and cunning to have ever been caught for my hugely long list of nefarious crimes and misdemeanours. Yes, that’s it…definitely.

Who Do You Love?

Well, let’s take it as read – even if it’s not true – that I love each and every member of my family without measure. Right, we can move on from the cheesy stuff. Those people aside, it’s not a massively long list, certainly nowhere near as long as a list of the people I really don’t love would have been and most of the names will mean nothing to anyone who doesn’t know me, but it’s my list, right? So…Lottie and Ruby (dogs), Kevin and Stan (cats), my friend Mike, Elvis Costello, the Beatles, my fellow Fun Lovin’ Crime Writers, Martyn, George, Sarah, Paul X 2 (that’s two different Pauls and not one Paul who I love twice as much as anyone else) and, though it’s probably more of a love/hate relationship than anything…myself. Sometimes.

What’s Your Favourite Kitchen Appliance?

Toaster. All day long (see below)

Do You Have Any Weird Habits?

I’m a huge fan of toast. Huge. But the toast has to be stone cold and very crispy. This means that when I have toasted the bread to my satisfaction I must leave it to cool in a kind of ‘toasty tent’ with the slices arranged standing up and leaning against each other. After ten minutes of leaving the slices in toasty isolation, I then move on to the ‘toast semaphore’ where I wander about the kitchen waving the pieces around in an effort to cool them further, though it looks like I’m bringing a plane into land or have simply lost my mind. You choose. On average, it probably takes me around forty-five minutes to make a perfect piece of toast. Then there’s an entirely separate and equally bizarre spreading ritual involving butter (which must cover every millimetre of the bread) and Marmite, but if I go into too much detail people might start thinking I’m anal. By the way, I’ve always thought that ‘anal’ is an odd choice of word to use when criticising someone who puts things in the right place…

What Were You In A Previous Life?

I didn’t have one.

Have You Ever Broken A Bone?

Yes, several. The most awkward occasion was when I was an actor and, while appearing in the world’s worst production of Macbeth, fell over a chain-link fence (titting about in a car-park) just before the show and broke both my arms. I didn’t know I’d broken them until half way through the performance when both my arms seized up and my performance during the denouement was even more wooden than it might otherwise have been. I was plastered up that night but my lack of movement did mean that certain…toilet-related activities became tricky and involved a degree of…assistance. I apologise for the pictures this puts in your head. My partner at the time was very understanding, but we did split up soon afterwards.

Do You Find It Hard To Take Criticism?

If we’re talking about negative criticism (and why wouldn’t we be?) I don’t love it. In common with a lot of people, that’s because it’s only ever the shitty reviews you remember. It’s the same as when I worked as a stand-up. I could be doing a gig in front of 400 people at the Comedy Store and, even if 399 of them were pissing themselves, I would only be able to think about the one person who didn’t crack their face. Similarly, however many good reviews a book might get, I always remember the bad ones. Because they’re the ones I suspect are right. Impostor syndrome/insecurity etc etc.

What Would You Cook On Come Dine With Me?

My signature dish, obviously. It’s basically pasta, in a thick cheese sauce with bits of hard-boiled egg and bacon. A kind of deconstructed carbonara which, although I think it’s delicious, my family somewhat unkindly calls ‘cheese slop’. Look, I’m not saying I’d win…

What’s The Last Book You Read?

The last book I finished was the latest in a very long line of Beatles-related volumes. I’ve read far more than is healthy, I’m well aware of that, but I can’t resist them. This one was called Like Some Forgotten Dream by Daniel Rachel and posits a world where the Beatles didn’t split up when we know they did, but went on to make one final great double album. Rachel suggests the tracks that might have made up this masterpiece, turning a common pub discussion among Fab Four nerds like myself into something that’s every bit as sad as it is fascinating. I bloody love the Beatles. Did I mention that?

What Is The Most Annoying Thing?

How long have we got? Well, as it might well come down to a simple toss-up between global warfare and paper-cuts, I should probably just stick to the tried and tested ‘long list’ format. So: forgetting where I’ve left my glasses; arseholes who throw litter out of car windows; Tories; my stupid printer; starting a book; conspiracy theorists; soggy toast; stepping on a snail in the dark; having a dodgy knee; people who pretend they don’t like the Beatles; bags of dogshit hung on branches; The Archers (Radio 4 and Jeffrey); people not wearing masks on the tube; Elvis Costello’s restraining order; the continuing absence of chicken livers from the Nando’s menu; Michael Gove dancing; Michael Gove doing anything; the inexplicable lack of appreciation for a fine western shirt; ditto a jaunty hat, be it porkpie, baker-boy or fez; setting a hotel toaster on fire; the scary giant teddy-bear in the window of the house opposite; Twitter pile-ons; not getting the money that Nigerian prince promised he’d send; people being snobby about crime fiction; people being late; people saying ‘yourself’ instead of ‘you’; intolerance; people who don’t get irony…

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If you want to know more about Mark, you can find him on twitter @MarkBillingham. His books can be found HERE.

 

Susi Qs – Week 39 – Emma Haughton

This week’s guest is the very lovely Emma Haughton, whose (literally) chilling thriller,The Dark, was published by Hodder in August 2021. She grew up in Sussex, then after a stint au pairing in Paris and a couple of half-hearted attempts to backpack across Europe, she studied English at Oxford University before training in journalism. During her career, she wrote many articles for national newspapers, including regular pieces for the Times Travel section.

Following publication of her picture book, Rainy Day, Emma wrote three YA novels. Her first, Now You See Me, was an Amazon bestseller and nominated for the Carnegie and Amazing Book Awards. Better Left Buried, her second, was one of the best YA reads for 2015 in the Sunday Express. Her third YA novel, Cruel Heart Broken, was picked by The Bookseller as a top YA read for July 2016.

Hello, Emma!

Who was your first crush?

Romantically, a boy called Richard who joined our year when I was 12. He was gloriously popular and barely knew I existed. My first non-romantic crush was Enid Blyton. I wanted to be George in The Famous Five so badly it hurt.

What was your favourite toy?

Lego. I used to nick my brother’s stuff if I was off sick from school and build the world’s most boring houses. I had no talent for it, but I liked all the different colours.

Do you find it hard to take criticism?

Doesn’t everyone? I need a good week after edit notes arrive to have a good sulk before I can even begin to take it on board.

How often do you change your sheets?

I’m not even going to answer that because the answer is so appalling. But I do regularly change my pyjamas!

Do you empty your own hoover bag?

Have you set up a spycam in my house or something? These questions are disconcertingly close to the mark! The answer is I so very rarely use the hoover that it isn’t much of an issue.

What’s your most treasured possession?

My dogs, followed by any memorabilia from my childhood or my children’s. I find it really difficult to throw anything away.

Would you rather have four arms or four legs?

This is exactly the kind of question my kids would ask me about fifty times a day! The easy answer is four arms, cos I love knitting and crochet and I could work on two things at once.

What was your first gig?

I did a panel at the Edinburgh Book Festival for one of my YA books. It’s a complete blur of nerves and me saying things I’ve now thankfully forgotten.

Which actor do you fancy the most?

I had a huge crush on Gerard Depardieu when I – and he – was younger. Now I’d probably pick someone like Jared Harris. I’m much more into interesting faces and character than classic good looks.

What’s the scariest thing that’s ever happened to you?

When I was around 12 or 13 I babysat for a neighbour. A neighbour from the other side, a girl a few years older than me, decided it would be a massive hoot to pretend to break in while I was sitting alone watching telly in the lounge. I could these noises getting closer and closer and was so petrified I couldn’t move. When she finally burst into the room, laughing, I had an actual fit of hysterical crying.

Did you like school?

Not really. I just remember being very, very bored most of the time. I’d drift off into daydreams and leave the lesson having no clue what it was about. That said, it was better than home, and I had a core group of friends to gossip in the girl’s loos with every break and lunchtime.

When was the last time you were arrested?

It’s never happened. I’m very good at not being caught.

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If you want to know more about Emma, you can find her on twitter @Emma_Haughton. Her books can be found HERE.

 

Susi Qs – Week 38 – Miranda Kate

This week’s very lovely guest is one of the first writers I got to know on Twitter, back in 2011 – Miranda Kate! Miranda started out life wanting to be a film director, but when directing people didn’t work, she turned to writing and started directing words instead, and finds them much easier to deal with – most days. She has been featured in several Flash Fiction anthologies, and has published two collections, one of dark flash-fiction tales, called Mostly Dark, and another of science-fiction stories, called Slipping Through. The latter containing a short novella called The Game, for which a novel length sequel, Pool of Players, has been recently released. Under the pen name, MK Boers, she has also released the novel, Sleep, a psychological thriller. Miranda spent her early childhood in Surrey, and her teens and early adulthood moving round the UK, but currently resides in the Netherlands.

Welcome, Miranda!

When was the last time you were arrested?

I’ve never been arrested – although I did end up in juvenile court for knocking down walls when I was 11!

I hung about with a gang of which I was the youngest. I didn’t actually knock any down though, just bore witness. One of the gang got caught stealing a lorry load of goods and apparently snitched us all up.

I got two years probation and became an official ‘disturbed child’. I’ve been living up to the name ever since.

Have you ever been punched in the face?

I might have been, in the ‘scrap’ I had with my best mate Wanda at school when I was 12/13. I ended up with this huge lump on the side of my forehead, and she had a massive scratch down her face, but I told the teachers I’d fallen over.

And I can’t be sure if it was punch, cuz I had my eyes closed as we flailed at each other – as you do when you are have a fight with your mate and pretend to be hard, when you are actually terrified.

Would you rather have four arms or four legs?

That’s a hard one! Four arms would be SUPER useful. But four legs means you could get about so much faster. Overall I think the four arms would look better – like a Hindu deity.

Who was your first crush?

Famous or not?

Not famous: – Jamie Abbs, at high school *swoons just thinking about him* I was sure he looked like David Bowie back then. (I bumped into him later in life. He really didn’t age well – even in his late teens).

Famous: – Martin Shaw, from The Professionals (TV series). Wow, I was totally in love with him when I was 9 years old. I was taken with his curly hair, blue eyes and that scar on his cheek. I’ve just googled him – he’s 76 now! Good Lord! I’m aging myself now!

Do you have any weird habits?

That depends what you think about book sniffing, imaginary friends and talking to yourself. Personally I think they’re perfectly normal.

My husband might consider the fact that I like things to be put back in their place as weird, but he likes to peel off the ends of his finger and toe nails and leave them on a shelf. Eewwwwww!

Would you rather have no forks or no plates?

No forks. You can eat with your fingers if needs be, but trying to serve a hot meal either into your hands or on a table, might be tricky. Peas would just roll away, and gravy would get everywhere.

What are you wearing?

Denim-look shorts and a pale blue/green t-shirt. Totally boring. It’s 30 degrees outside so I’m barefoot and sweating and trying to catch a mosquito that is under my desk, but it keeps activating its cloaking device. 

What’s your most treasured possession?

Ooo, there’s a few. My mother passed this year so the painting she bought in Ibiza in 1976 and sent me for my 50^th in 2019 is one. And my great-grandmother’s engagement ring (diamond & sapphire cluster) that she gave me on her last visit to my home is another.

But the copy of Lisey’s Story that I got signed by Stephen King at Borders in London when he came there is probably my biggest. I was No.100 in the queue. I arrived at 9am and he came out at 1pm. I was at a complete loss for words when it was my turn and simply said ‘thanks for all your writing’. Doh!

Have you ever heard voices in your head?

All the time. It’s part of being a writer, isn’t it? *looks around shiftily* I currently have a particularly loud one called Tricky. She wants me to get on with writing her second book. She’s a witch … of sorts and very … erm … Tricky. She’s got a trilogy for me. And she’s even whispering about another one after, but I’ve told her she has to get in line – as do the other character voices vying for attention.

Do you find it hard to take criticism?

It totally depends what is being criticised, and how it is delivered, but in general, yes.

I will always check my reaction, and put myself on pause while I process it though, and decide if it is something I can or want to act on. So I will usually give an initial ‘thank you’ (assuming it is a writing based constructive criticism), before I go away, and curse and get angry, and maybe cry a little in private. Then once I have that out of the way, I’ll look at it impartially.

If it is an insulting, personal criticism, I will ignore, block, delete. Because life is too short to waste my time responding.

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If you want to know more about Miranda, you can find her on twitter @purplequeenNL. Her books, websites, free stories and flash prompts can all be found HERE (she also creates lovely notebooks – check them out!)

 

Susi Qs – Week 37 – Alexandra Benedict

This week I’m talking to my lovely friend, the very talented Alexandra (AK) Benedict. She is an award-winning writer of novels, short stories and scripts. Her most recent novel is The Christmas Murder Game. She was an RLF Fellow, ran the highly successful Crime Thrillers MA at City University, and now mentors, coaches and edits writers.  She lives by the sea with writer Guy Adams, their daughter, Verity, and dog, Dame Margaret Rutherford.

Take it away, AK…

What’s your secret party piece?

I can recite Pi to many places, sung to the tune of The Smiths’ Shoplifters of the World Unite and Take Over. I can also do the splits, and juggle. I have yet to do all of these at one time. 

What was your first gig?

BROS, Global Push Tour, Bournemouth International Centre, February 1989. I didn’t have Doc Martens so I attached Grolsch bottle tops to my Clarks corrective shoes.

Are you any good at potato sculpture?

I love crafting but had hitherto not partaken in potato carving. Always keen to acquire a new skill, today I made a first foray into the art by attempting to sculpt a heart. It was a soothing activity, yet full of melancholy, for I found deep symbolism in how I kept whittling away at the heart, trying to make it perfect. 

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Who would you rather play golf with – Michael McKintyre, Take That, or The Queen?

Crazy golf with all of Take That, and I mean all, would be an excellent late afternoon activity. I would place a bet on Jason Orange winning by some margin, Robbie cheating in a charming manner, Mark getting cutely annoyed by people not following rules, and Gary Barlow managing to win another round on that last hole that pilfers your balls.

Do you worry about swallowing spiders in your sleep?

I am an arachnophile so the idea that I could eat one (live! Aah!) by mistake is horrifying. I apologise to the spectres of any spiders I’ve swallowed.

Have you ever broken a bone?

When I was 17, I went to see Jim Rose’s circus at Poole Arts Centre. Me and my best friend were approached in the interval to join Jim and his self-proclaimed freaks backstage after the show. Now I was, and remain, rather naive, and hadn’t counted on entering a room filled with other teenage girls, and only girls, and a lot of booze. We were all told to sit on the floor for a ‘ special after show performance’ which involved one particular circus ‘member’ taking out his cock, in close proximity to me and the other young women, and twisting it into odd shapes. It looked, and I felt, extremely uncomfortable. We didn’t stay for the finale. It was the night before my first A Level exam so afterwards I had to run for the bus in the depot opposite. My only obstacle was time and the railings that surrounded the bus station. I tried to vault the railings, and instead crashed onto the pavement. I screamed. Fortunately, an ambulance was in the depot and took me to Poole Hospital where it was found that I had badly broken my elbow.

You can’t plaster up a broken elbow so I had to wear a sling, and it fucking hurt. The injury continued to be painful for years, until one day, stopping at Glastonbury after going to the festival, two women approached me. One looked like, and probably was, a cat, the other called herself a psychic surgeon. The Cat Woman declared me a Star Child and the psychic surgeon gave me a free consultation at the back of a shop that smelled of patchouli, feet and chai. My elbow has yet to hurt since. I presume the placebo effect giving it welly, but it’s still weird.

Is there life on other planets?

Probably. It is highly unlikely that Earth is the only planet to support life of some kind.

What’s the last book you read?

Bob Mortimer – And Away. I adore Bob and he writes SO WELL.

How many times have you watched Top Gun?

I watched it a lot when growing up. I’m going to guesstimate 17 times. At a Christian camp talent contest when I was 14, I dressed up as Maverick and serenaded a male leader in a Kelly McGillis wig with You’ve Lost that Loving Feeling. I couldn’t understand why the leaders were so concerned that we were going to corrupt the watching innocents. They should have more concerned with all the innocents having sex in the bushes.

Why are coconuts so difficult to open?

Coconuts are a test sent from the gods. When humans can open coconuts using only their minds, the gods shall reveal themselves.

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If you want to know more about Alexandra, you can find her on twitter @ak_benedict. Her books can be purchased HERE and HERE.

 

Susi Qs – Week 36 – Chris McDonald

This week’s guest is the very prolific and very funny Chris McDonald! Chris grew up in Northern Ireland before settling in Manchester via Lancaster and London. He is the author the DI Erika Piper series A Wash of Black, Whispers In The Dark and Roses for the Dead. He has also recently dabbled in writing cosy crimes, in the shape of The Stonebridge Mysteries, as a remedy for the darkness. He is a full time teacher, husband, father to two beautiful girls and a regular voice on The Blood Brothers Podcast. He is a fan of 5-a-side football, heavy metal and dogs.

Let’s hear it, Chris…

What was your favourite toy?

I’m a slave to Sony. I’ve had every PlayStation since it’s conception and almost exclusively play FIFA (which I am shit hot at!). If anyone fancies a game, do let me know. I’m very happy to embarrass someone. 

Where was your best holiday?

We went to Lake Garda for our honeymoon. Our hotel was right on the water, the little town was bordered by mountains and it was stunning. We paddleboarded (I couldn’t stand up), canoed, kayaked and ate a lot of pizza. We did day trips to Venice and Verona and had a smashing time. The best bit, though, was discovering Coke came in 500ml CANS!!! Why aren’t they sold here?!

Who was your first crush?

Probably Jet from Gladiators. 

What’s your favourite joke?

Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

A: I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

My actual favourite joke is rather crude, but if anyone wants to hear it, do let me know!

What’s your favourite kitchen appliance?

My initial response was the toaster. It’s a work of art. But, without the fridge, you couldn’t keep the butter cool, rendering toast useless. Also, chocolate from the fridge is the only way to eat the stuff, so I’ll go for the fridge. I’m learning lots about myself. 

Who’s your favourite cartoon character?

Probably Homer Simpson. The Simpsons has long gone off the boil, but back in the day it was genius. I still say things now that Homer said 20 years ago like ‘Stupid Sexy Flanders.’

What’s your most unrealistic ambition?

To write full time or to go to space. Both are never gonna happen!

How many pairs of shoes do you have?

I have one pair of trainers, one pair of Astro turf footie boots, one pair of wellies, a pair of converse where the sole has come away from the rest of the shoe but I can’t bear to part with, and a pair of wellies. I wear my only pair of trainers to death and then wonder why they don’t last that long. 

Have you ever broken a bone?

Yes. I was having a water fight with some friends and I ran into some bricks. My little toe immediately crumpled. We went to watch The Mummy Returns afterwards and I had to leave as the pain was making me feel sick… or that was the excuse I gave anyway! 

What’s the most annoying thing?

I’ve been on this campaign for years and I’ve finally got an audience. The most annoying thing, BAR NONE, is how Ben Shepherd talks to the machine on Tipping Point like it’s a person. I know he’s trying to polite, but it’s an inanimate object. You don’t need to say please every time. Makes my blood boil.

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If you want to know more about Chris, you can find him on twitter @cmacwritescrime. His books can be purchased HERE.

 

Susi Qs – Week 35 – Elly Griffiths

This week I’m delighted to be talking to actual crime royalty – the most excellent Elly Griffiths! Elly wrote four novels under her own name (Domenica de Rosa) before turning to crime with The Crossing Places, the first novel featuring forensic archaeologist Dr Ruth Galloway. The Crossing Places won the Mary Higgins Clark award and three novels in the series have been shortlisted for the Theakstons Crime Novel of the Year. The Night Hawks (Ruth #13, published in February 2021) was number two in the  Sunday Times Top Ten Bestsellers list. Elly also writes the Brighton Mysteries, set in the theatrical world of the 1950s. In 2016 Elly was awarded the CWA Dagger in the Library for her body of work. Her first standalone mystery, The Stranger Diaries, won the 2020 Edgar award for Best Crime Novel. The second, The Postscript Murders, has recently been shortlisted for the CWA Gold Dagger. Elly also writes A Girl Called Justice, a mystery series for children.

Welcome, Elly! Please tell us everything…

Sum yourself up in one word

Curious.

Who was your first crush?

Christopher Lee in the Dracula films. I genuinely didn’t realise that he was meant to be scary.

Have you ever been punched in the face?

I’ve never even been near to being in a fight but a horse did give me a black eye once.

Do you worry about swallowing spiders in your sleep?

I love spiders. I think they’re beautiful, interesting and useful. I can’t say I’d like to swallow one but they come low on my list of fears (and it’s quite a long list).

Which actor do you fancy most?

I have a crush on John Krasinski in The Office.

What’s your favourite joke?

My Dad used to tell a long Italian joke. The punchline was ‘no, but my brother does’. I think it probably sounds better in the original Neapolitan.

Would you rather have no forks or no plates?

The Florentines invented the fork so, in honour of my Tuscan grandmother, I would say that I couldn’t do without this essential utensil.

When is the last time you were arrested?

I have led a disappointingly law-abiding life. Though I did do several CND ‘die-ins’ in the 80s.

What’s your most unrealistic ambition?

To play Lady Macbeth.

What are you having for lunch tomorrow?

Sushi.

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If you want to know more about Elly, you can find her on twitter @ellygriffiths. Her books can be purchased HERE.

 

Susi Qs – Week 34 – Sara Sheridan

Today’s very exciting guest has one of the prettiest book covers I have ever seen (scroll down to the bottom to find it immediately!) Sara Sheridan is a writer and activist interested in history. She has written more than 20 books including remapping Scotland to memorialize our forgotten foremothers. In 2014 she was named one of the Saltire Society’s 365 Most Influential Scottish Women past and present. This year she has two novels out, both set in Edinburgh, where she spent lockdown: The Fair Botanists (1822) and a 1950s murder mystery, Celtic Cross.

So, Sara… what have you got to say for yourself?

Do you empty your own hoover bag?
Every. Single. Day. I got an automatic hoover over lockdown cos I am no domestic goddess and I either had to get a machine to take over the housework or turn into Miss Haversham. The hoover only has a small dust compartment and the dust, it turns out, is legion.

Do you worry about swallowing spiders in your sleep?
I have much more important stuff to worry about in my sleep. As someone who has periodic night terrors, the dark creature that might emerge from the mirror is more on my mind. The evil ghost in the hallway. The ravening dog that has got in through the back gate. I laugh at your spider snacks. Ha!

Which actor do you fancy the most?
When I was a teenager it was Keanu Reeves. l I booked into a hotel one time cos he was staying there. I didn’t see him once. These days I only fancy people I know so I don’t fancy any big, famous actors. No siree.

Would you rather have four arms or four legs?
Four arms and I don’t know why. Maybe cos knitting.

Have you ever been punched in the face?
No but I am 100% sure people have wanted to.

Are you any good at potato sculptures?
No. Most of my creative food energy goes into drawing wee faces and writing on eggs. ‘Eat me first’ ‘Do anything with me but not an omelet please.’ I know you think I’m making this up, but it’s true. It started as a fun thing to do with kids and now it’s a habit though the kids have grown up and left. Occasionally I come up with something new for an egg to say and that, my friend, is a very good day.

What is your most unrealistic ambition?
I would love to be able to sing or play a musical instrument. I believe that I could do this if I had lessons but I am tone deaf and I definitely can’t. I am v jelly of all the writers who are also in bands.

What do you want to be when you grow up?
A very rich late-Georgian heiress please.

Have you ever had your fortune told?
I used to read tarot cards and do the I-ching so yes. I think of it as tuning in… One of my pals has visions and occasionally when I’m telling her what I’ve got planned she gets a far away look in her eye and I know my future is going to shit.

What were you in a previous life?
I’m positive I had a previous life. I have no idea what I was but I would like to have been a very rich late-Georgian heiress. Fuck’s sake. How many times do I have to say it?

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If you want to know more about Sara, you can find her on twitter @sarasheridan. Her books can be purchased HERE.

 

Susi Qs – Week 33 – David Jackson

This week I’m probing the very lovely David Jackson, who was one of the first crime writers I got to know, and met in person at Harrogate in 2012 – which seems like a very long time ago! David’s debut novel, Pariah, was Highly Commended in the Crime Writers’ Association Debut Dagger Awards. He has written a string of internationally published crime thrillers since then, including the bestseller Cry Baby, nominated by Amazon as one of their Best Books of the Year. The Guardian newspaper said of his work: ‘Recalls Harlan Coben – though for my money Jackson is the better writer’.

Take it away, Dave!

What is your most unrealistic ambition?

Winning a three-legged race on my own.

Have you ever been punched in the face?

Yes. Boxing at school. I refused to take part, so the teacher hit me. It was a tough school.

What would you cook on Come Dine With Me?

The guests. With fava beans and a nice Chianti.

What’s your secret party piece?

Invisibility. Nobody ever knows I’m there. (Expressions of sympathy in cash to the usual address, please)

Do you pair your socks?

My socks are all in triplets (I like to carry a spare in case of foot-based accidents)

Have you ever had your fortune told?

Yes. She told me that my life line was so short I must already be dead. We argued the toss for a good ten minutes.

What was your first gig?

My first author gig was at a library. As an ice-breaker, the small audience had to attach names to the author photographs on the wall. Even though I was the invited speaker, they decided that my own photo was of Douglas Henshall from the Shetland series. Later, someone asked how I could possibly continue my police series when the protagonist had suffered such catastrophic injuries. Turned out she’d read the wrong book.

Do you worry about swallowing spiders in your sleep?

No, but I spend much of my day ensuring they worry about swallowing me.

Would you rather give up washing, smiling or reading?

This question required research, so I’ve given up washing and smiling. Nobody comes near me now, so I’m getting lots of reading done.

What’s your most treasured possession?

My ring. My precious ring. Nasty hobbitses wants to steal it, so I only wears it at parties (see above).

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If you want to know more about Dave, you can find him on twitter @Author_Dave. His books can be purchased HERE.

 

Susi Qs – Week 32 – Tammy Cohen

Today’s guest is the wonderful Tammy Cohen! Tammy has written ten novels under her own name, including seven psychological thrillers, the latest of which is The Wedding Party. She has also written three historical novels under the pseudonym of Rachel Rhys including the Richard and Judy pick Dangerous Crossing. She is 5’2” and worried she might be shrinking.

So…Tammy?

Are you any good at potato sculptures?

A lady doesn’t like to boast BUT let’s just say I visited the Rodin exhibition at the Tate last week and you haven’t seen anything until you’ve seen a perfectly scaled copy of The Thinker carved out of an extra-large Maris Piper.

Would you rather have four arms or four legs?

Arms for sure. We’re living temporarily in a rented house with a hand-held shower, and it’d be lovely not to have to grip the shower head between my knees while unscrewing the shampoo bottle and spraying the ceiling in the process.

What is the most annoying thing?

Questions where the list of answers is so infinite you can’t think of a single one.

Who would you rather play golf with? Michael McKintyre, Take That, or The Queen?

The Queen – I might actually win.

What are you wearing?

Oh, my usual Barbara Cartland style writing garb – white mink, diamond tiara, pink fluffy mules, dog stuffed under arm…

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Tall – It’d be nice to be able to reach the ‘good’ glasses down from the kitchen cupboards without precariously balancing on a stool.

Would you rather have no forks or no plates?

You can fashion a plate out of anything but forks are impossible as I found out a couple of weeks ago when I bought a superfood humus salad from M&S for the train and forgot the little wooden fork. If you’re ever tempted to eat a gloopy salad using a rolled up train ticket in place of cutlery, just don’t.

What’s your secret party piece?

I can sit on the floor with my legs straight out in front of me and then bend them both at the knee into right angles so it appears as if I have two broken legs. As party tricks go, it’s not the coolest.

Do you worry about swallowing spiders in your sleep?

Only when I’m camping when I have to zip my whole head up inside my sleeping bag just to be on the safe side.

Have you ever been punched in the face?

No, I run a mile at the first hint of confrontation. But my partner, Michael, once knocked himself out by opening a bottle of champagne under his own chin, if that’s any use…

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If you want to know more about Tammy, you can find her on twitter @MsTamarCohen. Her books can be purchased HERE.

 

Susi Qs – Week 31 – Doug Johnstone

Photo credit: Duncan McGlynn

This week I’m grilling one of my favourite countrymen, the very cool and ridiculously multi-talented Doug Johnstone. Doug is the author of thirteen novels, three of which have been shortlisted for Scottish Crime Novel of the Year. He’s a songwriter and musician with five albums and three solo EPs, and he plays drums for the Fun Lovin’ Crime Writers, a band of crime writers.

Let’s hear it, Doug…

What would you cook on Come Dine with me?

Steak and chips, keep it simple. They’re all gonna get smashed and slag it anyway, so it might as well be something I like that’s easy.

Which actor do you fancy the most?

Amy Adams. I think it’s her ability to talk to aliens in Arrival.

Which dead celebrity do you wish was still alive?

Jimmy Savile, so he could finally fix it for me to be a drummer in Adam and the Ants. Then I’d kill him again for being the worst person of all time.

Do you find it hard to take criticism?

Not really. Opinions are like arseholes, everyone’s got one. Folk are entitled to criticise me, and I’m entitled to ignore them.

Who do you love?

Family, friends, the guys in the Fun Lovin’ Crime Writers. Amy Adams in Arrival.

What are you wearing?

Joggers, hoody. Also a T-shirt for obscure podcast How Did This Get Made, which is hilarious about shit films.

What’s your most unrealistic ambition?

To score the winning goal for Scotland in the World Cup Final. To be the first person on Mars. To make first contact with aliens. Take your pick.

Have you ever heard voices in your head?

Only my own voice, telling me that my first draft is shit.

Do you empty your own hoover bag?

Well it doesn’t have a bag cos it’s a Dyson (fuck that guy, Brexit twat). But yes, I empty it.

When was the last time you were arrested?

As a student. Urinating in a public place. Up against the wall of a church.

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If you want to know more about Doug, you can find him on twitter @Doug_Johnstone. His books can be purchased HERE.