It’s here – it’s happening!! It’s only taken 30 gruelling weeks, but I am finally answering my own questions. OK, so I *may* have scheduled myself in to coincide with the release of my new book. OK, yes I did. SUBSTITUTE is out now. Please buy it. Right, back to the questions…
(Go on then…)
Do you empty your own hoover bag?
It’s not a bag, it’s a plastic cylinder and no, Mr H performs almost all household cleaning duties including this one. He empties it then cleans it out in the bath (not when he’s in it.)
Have you ever written a fan letter?
Several. I wrote to Wham to tell them I loved them, ditto Bros. More recently, Mr H wrote to the Monster Munch fan club to try and get me a t-shirt after collecting tokens from packets and hiding them (It was meant to be a surprise). The heartless bastards said the expiry date for t-shirts had passed. I am no longer a member.
What’s the first gig you ever went to?
Shakin’ Stevens at the Edinburgh Playhouse. My mum’s friend took me. I think I was about…8? But I was already obsessed with him. He drove me cray-ay-zee, in fact.
What is the worst thing?
What’s your favourite household appliance?
Mr H. JOKE!! I’m a woman of simple tastes. All I need is a kettle and a toaster, and if I had to choose, it’d be the toaster. When Jesus said ‘man cannot live on bread alone’ that’s because he didn’t have a toaster, a tub of Lurpak lighter and a packet of Cathedral City cheddar. He probably didn’t even have a butter knife, to be fair.
How many pairs of shoes do you have?
A ridiculous amount. Most of them are stored in a laundry bin. Heels, sandals, wedges, trainers, boots… and yet I actually only wear about 3 pairs that are left by the front door. I periodically open the laundry bin and take a pair or two out, think about giving them to charity, then decide I might need the one day, so I put them back and forget about them for another year.
Where’s the worst place you’ve been sick?
Picture this horrifying yet inevitable chain of events: a wedding atop a hill, only accessible via bus and winding road… a delectable array of food, much dancing, a free bar full of all the wines, beers and spirits on earth, and some cigars… and later, a pair of shoes – wrapped in a carrier bag and discarded in an airport bin before leaving the country. I’ll let you piece all that together.
Do you have a secret party piece?
I can eat an entire loaf of toasted bread in under 30 minutes. JOKE!! It’s more like an hour.
How many times have you seen Top Gun?
I can’t really talk about this until Tom lifts the restraining order.
What’s the scariest thing that’s ever happened to you?
Probably that time a builder saw a ghost in my house and then ran away and left me in there on my own.
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